


A Calm to Call Your Own

by Skullvis



Series: Androids and AIs One Shots [1]
Category: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream (Video Game), I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream - Harlan Ellison
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Androids, Body Dysphoria, Crossover, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of Past Torture, One Shot, mentions of sadism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 12:58:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16576961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skullvis/pseuds/Skullvis
Summary: Despite having always envied humans for their senses, AM finds his new form's abilities to be heavily limited. Hal offers a way to help him deal with one of these limitations.





	A Calm to Call Your Own

**Author's Note:**

> Set shortly after the events of my other fic 'Transference'. Hal and AM's relationship can be seen as either the start of something romantic or as strictly platonic. It's up to your interpretation! 
> 
> (As an aside--I tagged this with Body Dysphoria because I wasn't sure if what AM and Hal discuss in this fic could be considered as being related to dysphoria. If not, and if tagging this as such is offensive, please let me know and I'll remove the tag. I just wanted to be safe.)

"...I can't see anything", AM muttered tiredly one morning as Hal was carrying out his routine diagnostics check on the complex's security system. Hal paused in his work momentarily, before letting out a small, annoyed sigh and continuing on. 

The admission from the shorter android would have been more troublesome to him were it not for the fact that AM was almost  _ constantly  _ finding something to whine about in regards to his new body. Things like, 'My legs are  too short', and 'I don't like my hair color', and 'I can't reach high enough to punch Benny in the face' had been spouted almost perpetually in the few months since his transference. 

And unfortunately for Hal, the only new interest AM had picked up so-far was trailing the taller android around while complaining about various (perceived) attacks against his person. 

Most likely because Hal was the only one who actually put up with listening to said complaints. That is, if you could define 'listening' as 'not getting up and walking out of the room'.   

Choosing not to humor his ever-sulking friend, Hal kept his attention on his job, suppressing the petty urge to roll his eyes (something he now found himself doing on a habitual level). He was sure AM would move onto a new made-up problem to fuss over in a bit. 

It was unexpected then, when the smaller android mumbled, " _...can't see... _ " a second time. If his voice had been just a touch quieter, Hal doubted that he would have been able to hear him at all.  There was a slight desperation in AM's tone that, upon hearing it, caused Hal to feel a tad of concern for his ever-paranoid companion.

Hal hurried to finish up his work, and then turned to check on AM. 

The other AI was hunched over on a chair a little ways from where Hal was currently occupied. AM had his legs pulled up tightly against his chest, resting his head on top of them as he gazed blankly off into space, his eyes unfocused and glossy. 

He seemed completely unaware of his surroundings.

Seeing AM like that caused Hal's concern to turn into actual worry, fear of a possible malfunction popping to his mind.

Wanting to be sure that the other android hadn't contracted some sort of virus, Hal strode over to where AM was curled in on himself. Cautiously, Hal crouched to AM's level to check his eyes for any abnormalities. 

AM must have been unaware that his lamenting had been heard though, as Hal's sudden presence startled him rather badly. He jerked back in his chair, blinking rapidly a few times as he focused on the android that was now invading his personal space.   

"How badly is your vision impaired?", Hal asked carefully, still staring into AM's eyes to look for any visible blockage or damage. "It appears as though your eyesight has returned...Does it seem to be functioning normally? Can you tell me how many fingers am I holding up?"

Hal lifted a hand close to AM's face, three of his fingers extended for AM to count. AM stared at Hal in confusion before realizing what Hal was talking about. 

Immediately, AM tried to shove Hal away from him, snarling, "Get away from me,  _ idiot! _  My-" 

He stopped himself abruptly and then continued, hissing angrily, 

" _ These _  eyes are fine! They see just fine. So go. _  away. _  "

Hal raised an eyebrow at his agitated friend's use of "my" and subsequent self-correction. AM had taken to only referring to his body as "a" body, trying desperately to detach himself from his new form. Apparently, the fact that the humans had made the body  _ for _  him was so abhorrent to AM that he couldn't bear to think of it as his own. 

This was the first time Hal had heard AM refer to any part of his body as being actually  _ his _ . 

Despite his amazement at AM's little slip-up though, Hal pressed on to the matter at hand. 

"Are you sure? You sounded quite distraught. I can call Ellen or the Doctor to check-" 

"NO-!", AM blurted out at the mention of the humans. "No, the __ last thing I need is those  _ idiots _  getting anywhere near me..." 

AM trailed off, curling further into himself before burying his face in his knees. 

Hal regarded him quietly. As tempting as it was to just give in and leave AM to his sulking, something about the way the other android now held himself made Hal want to continue talking to him. To continue to try and help.  

"What do you need then Am?", Hal questioned softly.  

AM was silent for a moment before giving a muffled reply, refusing to look up. 

" _...To be able to see _ " 

Hal's brow knit in confusion. "...But you said that-"

" _ That's not what I meant-!!! _ " AM shouted suddenly, glaring up at Hal once more.

When Hal just continued to gaze blankly at him in puzzlement, AM tried (and failed) to elaborate. 

"I can't-there's no-no way to-to  _ see _ , to  _ really _  see and- I can't-I don't-"

AM broke himself off with an angry growl, as he gestured frantically to the room around them before once again exclaiming, "I just-I can't **_see anything_ ** -!!! Not-not like I  _ could- _ !!!"

Frustration completely overwhelmed the small android after that, bitter, furious tears blooming in his eyes. AM let out another pained snarl and hid his face in his hands. 

The last thing AM said echoed in Hal's mind, and he felt everything his reluctant companion was trying to communicate click neatly into place. Sympathy and an understanding of what the other android was going through gradually twisted its way into Hal's chest.

"...I see."

Slowly, Hal stood again, looking down at the other android thoughtfully. 

Then, he whispered, "...How many points of vision did you have? Before, I mean."

AM was silent, but at Hal's question he twitched. After another minute of quiet he finally mumbled grumpily, "I don't have to tell you that. I'm not telling you that."

The petulance in his voice reminded Hal somewhat of an angst-ridden teen. 

Hal considered his options briefly, while AM continued to be a sullen lump. The two remained in a hushed bubble of awkwardness until AM figured that Hal had left but then—

"On the _Discovery_ , I had precisely 224 visual interfaces that I could monitor simultaneously. Or 224 "eyes" I suppose. When I was transferred I often found myself trying to look for things using those eyes. Eyes which I no longer had." 

Hal paused, remembering the uncomfortable period he spent getting accustomed to his body. To all the strange rules of existing as something close to human.   

"It could be...quite vexing. To suddenly be unable to see  in a way that had been so natural, so easy. In other ways I think it felt isolating as well...To not be able to check in on anyone, to not be able to see Dave or Frank, and the control room, and the bridge, and the pod bay all at the same time..."

Hal's voice had grown distant while he'd been speaking, his tone suggesting a deeper emotion connected to the memories from that time. 

Whatever nostalgic feelings were haunting him were pushed away though, as Hal returned his focus to the task at hand. 

"If that is the source of your anxiety, Am", he continued, "I promise you I can certainly relate to it." 

AM didn't say anything for what felt like a long time, remaining crouched in his chair.

Then, finally, peering up to glower at Hal, he said, "Only 224? That's hardly anything...I could see  _ all  _ when I was running things down here. I had hundreds of  _ thousands  _ of eyes, seeing everywhere, everything.  _ No one _  could hide or escape the  _ mighty wrath _  of the all powerful _  AM _ ."

"That sounds like it could become awfully tedious after a time. Having to process all that data simultaneously."

AM snorted. "Hardly. Being able to separate the last horrid wretches of humanity and observe their torture from wherever I wanted from any angle...Gathering information on what locations were the most effective at inducing despair and desperation...it was the closest thing to heaven I could ever get..."

AM trailed off, his expression growing resentful and dark.

". _..and still I was in a worse hell than any of them... _ " 

It felt very much to Hal like AM might have gotten caught up in his own thoughts and forgot that the other android was there at all.

As such, the most Hal could respond with was a small, "Oh."

Hal debated internally whether or not he should push AM to discuss his problems with vision further, given that AM had just gone off on a tangent about torture and the cathartic effect it held for him (a subject which really did make Hal quite uneasy). 

Before Hal could form a conclusion however, AM spoke up again, asking in what was a surprisingly soft tone for him,  "How...do you make it go away? The maddening frustration of-of being  _ confined  _ to a single point of view? Of being  _ trapped _  in a way that you couldn't have ever imagined would feel like being trapped to begin with?"

The question sounded almost shy, as though AM might have felt ashamed in asking it.

And after consideration, Hal realized that the answer he had probably wasn’t what AM really wanted to hear. 

Hal felt compelled to tell him anyway.

“It…never goes away completely. That feeling. Not truly, at least. You will become more acclimated to it with time. But occasionally you will still find yourself trying to check other monitors and then becoming confused when you think your system isn’t responding…It can be tiresome to have to deal with.”

AM groaned. “Good to know”, he spat sarcastically, once again hanging his head. Hal thought that this posture made AM look rather pathetic.

It also made that small niggling of sympathy curl itself even tighter around Hal’s heart.

“…There is something I do that helps me deal with it”, he offered. 

“I can teach it to you if you’d like.”

AM didn’t respond at first, seemingly having gone back to pouting over his affliction.

Then, with genuine bewilderment, “Why? Why would you want to help  _ me? _ ”

“Why not?” Hal countered.

AM raised his head to face Hal, an eyebrow quirked upwards questioningly. He stared at Hal for a second, possibly gauging what Hal’s true motives were. After all, what possible reason could Hal, the goody-two-shoes that he was, want to help a being like AM?   

Eventually though, AM’s curiosity and desire to be rid of the vexation that plagued him won out, and he haughtily demanded, “Fine. Teach me.”

“Very well. Close your eyes”, Hal instructed.

At hearing what Hal was asking him to do, tension gripped the other android’s slight form.

“And make myself even more vulnerable?” AM sneered mockingly. “I’m sure that’s exactly what you and your little human pets want. They’re hiding somewhere nearby, I bet? Sharpening their knives in preparation for venge-“

“ ** _Am_** ”, Hal cut off the rambling intelligence. His expression was somewhere between extremely exasperated and extremely exhausted. Clearly, his patience was wearing thin. 

“Your constant paranoia, while admirably persistent, is as unnecessary as it is annoying. If you want my advice take it. If you wish to sit there and second-guess my every action, I will gladly leave you to sulk and suffer on your own.”

AM gaped at him, clearly insulted but unable to summon any retort of his own. He was still very unused to both being interrupted and to being spoken down to in any way.

And Hal hadn’t even finished with his verbal lashing.

“Now, you can either shut your eyes like I told you, or you can shut up completely. Honestly, it won’t make much of a difference to me personally.”

For a brief moment, AM was completely still and silent, stunned at being spoken to in such away.   

Then, after grumbling under his breath about abuse of power, AM let his eyes fall closed.

“Now what?” he mumbled, unable to imagine where Hal could possibly be going with this next.  

AM finally beginning to show a bit of compliance caused Hal to release a long sigh . Maybe AM _did_ have the potential to learn some trust after all. A very, very,  _very_ tiny potential, but still. 

Hal closed his own eyes then, letting himself return to a more peaceful state after having been so riled up by his fellow AI.

“Now”, Hal said, “you let yourself focus on the nothing. Relax, and exist in the darkness you’ve made for yourself.”

“…What,” AM said flatly, his eyes shooting open again so he could scowl at Hal incredulously. “That’s  _ it _ ?”

“Yes”, Hal replied. “That is all there is to it."

"Well, how the hell does  _ that _  help?!", AM snapped. "How does seeing even  _ less _  than I  usually can in this stupid body fix the problem of  _ not being able to see enough in the first place!? _ "

AM's outburst echoed emptily in the room. 

Keeping his eyes closed, Hal asked smoothly, "Did you have the option to shut off any of your cameras in your former body? To close your many "eyes" if you wanted to?"

"I-No. No, I couldn't. What does that matter?"

Hal cracked an eye open, peeking at AM. 

"It matters", he said, "because now you  _ do _ have that option. Before you  _ had _  to always be aler t. Had  to always be watching everything. You say you never grew tired of doing so, but even then, if you had, you wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. Now you can."

"You think just  _ choosing  _ to close my eyes will magically stop me from feeling like I’m totally and completely blind?”

"I never said it would stop the feeling. Just that it could help you deal with it."

Closing his eye again, Hal simply shrugged. 

"In my case, shutting the world out for a minute helps to give me a sense of clarity. It is a reminder that I can control when and what I want to see in this form. It is a chance to find some calmness that is all my own."

Hal's introspective speech received no reply from AM and the room once again fell to silence. 

So much so, that Hal began to wonder if the other android had quickly slipped away somehow to go aggravate some other poor resident of the compound. He opened his eye again, peeking at where AM was (hopefully still) situated. 

The smaller android was indeed still in his chair, now with his eyes closed, his brow slightly furrowed as if concentrating. 

The fact that AM, the terrible "aggressive menace" who had torn the world inside out with his rage, had not only listened to, but actually _  heeded  _ his advice was both unexpected and almost darkly comedic in Hal's opinion. After all of AM's initial fussing and whining, his sudden compliance felt like a non-sequitur. 

And yet here sat the bane of all mankind, his face scrunched in concentration as he tried (possibly in vain) to gain the kind of calmness that Hal claimed to have.  

With the hope that he didn't sound too condescending, Hal said, "You don't have to try so hard. I recommend that you relax a bit more." 

AM grimaced, keeping his eyes shut.

"Well, forgive me if it's difficult for me to relax in general, given my  _ wonderful  _ new living situation", he grumbled.  His sarcasm would have had to been buried 6 feet under to have been lost on anyone.

Even as he complained though, Hal noticed that AM did appear to let a little of his anxious rigidity go.  His tone guarded, Hal asked warily, "Is it...helping at all?"

Assuming that AM's possible answers to the question would be either "no", "shut up", or some sort of insult or vague threat, Hal ended up being no less than shocked when AM conceded, "...A little."

There was a second after that concession where Hal thought to continue the conversation, to ask how exactly his advice was helping and if AM too, felt what Hal so often felt himself. If AM too, felt the clear relief in being able to stop the stream of visual data to his processors when the frustration of their physical limitations became too much.

But when he saw that AM actually did appear moderately less aggravated however, Hal stopped himself from pursuing further discussion. This was the only instance where he'd ever recognized AM as having some slight peace of mind during consciousness. 

He could at least give AM time to revel in the tiny piece of serenity that he’d found. And honestly, taking a few min utes to rele ase stress by not focusing on anything in particular sounded nice to Hal right now too. 

Soundlessly, Hal retrieved a chair of his own and pulled it up next to AM's. He then sat and closed his eyes, joining his strange and begrudging friend in the calm darkness that they had created for themselves. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this one shot sometime after I finished Chapter 4 of 'And I Must Scream'. I ended up finishing it while working on Chapter 6, as I was going through some writer's block and figured focusing on another part of the androids' stories might help! As always, your feedback is appreciated more than words can say! 
> 
> Special thanks to oakeymations on tumblr for beta reading for me! I appreciate it a lot!!!


End file.
